Love Letter #1

I have received a total of two love letters in my life - and neither of them have been "romantic".

The first was from my dad - almost 35 years ago. The time was awful... I was in nursing school (a dream for all my life) getting an A in nursing and failing a 5-credit anatomy and 5-credit chemistry. I had called home, making all sorts of excuses for what was going on. A few days later, I received this very short, and to the point letter from my dad:

Dear Mouse,
Wishes
Won't
Win,
Working
Will!
Keep at it!
Love, Dad

I would love to say, that I did "keep at it" but I didn't. I failed miserably and quit school. It ended up IN THE LONG RUN the best for me, but at the time, and for years after, I felt like such a failure.

But, the point of this, is that this was the first love letter I ever received. My dad, a man of many words but at that time of our lives not much for words of love and affirmation, took the time to get out his stationery, write this letter and send it to me.

I have kept it all these years - and pull it out at different times when I need encouragement. I'm going through one of those times in my life right now and the words still ring true...

Wishes won't Win - working Will!

what do I think?

As he thinketh in his heart, so is (s)he.
- Proverbs 23.7a

Ok, this is taken a bit out of context of the FULL bible verse, but apropos to the message below – which is from a book by Earnie Larsen called "Believing in Myself"

…the message is as clear and direct as it appears to be: Our thoughts define not only ourselves, but all expectations of what will become of our efforts and dreams.

Positive self-esteem is largely a matter of being grounded in positive thought. Many of us are only dimly aware of the constant dialogue going on in our heads…our thoughts dictate the quality of our lives.

How does MY self-talk affect the way that I succeed in all aspects of my life? So many times I catch myself using words that are hurting, harmful and shaming towards me. I would NEVER speak to someone else the way I have caught myself lately talking about me or parts of me.

Loser
Fat
GD Knee

Ugly
Stupid
Un-disciplined
Lazy
________fill in the blank.

I am working daily – sometimes minute by minute – to remember to be kind and loving in my self-talk.

• I have a strong and healthy body
• I have great hair (really, I do!)
• I am NOT ugly
• I’m very disciplined
• I’m extremely talented in my profession and respected for my knowledge by my peers
• I'm a good employee
• I am a kind and loving daughter
• I'm a wonderful aunt to 3 biological nieces/nephews and countless "heart" ones
• I am a loyal and faithful friend
• I am a beloved child of God

As Tyler Perry said to Maya Angelou - "I am worthy, because I exist. Because I exist, I am worthy" I need to remember this and embrace the truth.

Dottie Doty - pretty kitty

I have never had a pet before. I adopted (or she adopted me, depending on how you look at it) my first four-footed child at the ripe old age of 51.  She had spent more than a year in a no-kill shelter and no one had adopted her. I had spent almost 6 months searching Pet-Finder.com for the "perfect" cat.

When I saw her, and noticed what her name was, I thought, this is meant to be. I have spent my whole life telling people that my name is Doty (sounds like dough-tea) NOT Doty (sounds like dottie). Guess what the cat's name was, you guessed it - DOTTIE! I did not name her that, she came with the name. She has a dot on the end of her nose, on her paws and a couple on her stomach - hence the name.

I have some mobility issues (sometimes need to walk with a cane) so I brought the cane with me to the shelter - all the cats EXCEPT for Dottie hid from it. She came up, sniffed it, rubbed against it and that was that. I think that we were meant for each other.

Dottie does NOT like to be held or brushed for that matter, however, she is definitely a lap cat. When I sit down, within 5 minutes, she's on my lap. It makes it difficult to read at times, but I have learned to adjust.

She greets me at the door when I come home at night - meowing like the world was ending. I was initially REALLY worried about her crying all day long. I talked with the next door neighbor about it. Teri eased my mind immediately telling me that she starts the minute she hears me coming up the stairs. How funny is that - guilt trip from a cat!
 
I have so many funny stories about her and the things that she does - I used to save them and send them off to my mom with pictures of her - she was always entertained by her "grand-cat". The day after Mom died, we had finished off all the funeral arrangements and were sitting at Dad's just trying to re-group. I had been up for almost 40 hours at that point and sat down in mom's chair to take a nap. In my mind, all I wanted was to be able to sleep and to have my cat in my lap. I leaned back in mom's chair and happened to look off to the side. There - hidden where no one could see it - was a picture of Dottie. I really think it was a little gift from Mom. It also made me happy to think that Dottie had given my mom pleasure and that she had saved that picture of her. 
 
What joy and happiness she has provided me in the time that I have had her. I finally GET how people can be so nuts about their animals. I LOVE HER so much. I'm hoping that I don't become a "crazy cat lady". I know that I am crazy about her.

A Toast to Failure

The thoughts below are not mine - I wish they were. BUT, they are what started me on the weight loss journey I started in January of 2009. They have served me well in the past 15 months, and will continue to serve me well.

Through the lens of failure I can more clearly focus on my successes.When, as human beings, we are attempting to achieve something new, failure is the greatest teacher. You rip out rows knitting, cut bad boards woodworking, develop undrinkable pints brewing, strike half your sentences writing. Our collective process is to try and fall, and get back on our knees, then our feet, and fall again. Continue cycle.

Through looking at my failures -- not dwelling on them, but acknowledging and learning -- I see the muscles I need to flex more, where to polish, and where to practice. I see, of course, humiliation and embarrassment, but like F. Scott Fitzgerald who filled his walls with rejection slips for The Great Gatsby, I keep working at it. Fueled by my desire to succeed, directed by my desire to do better than I've done before.

At heart, this is what failure brings. Assurance that when you achieved your goals, you do so with a clear head that understands the achievement. And that makes the sweater, or the sideboard, or the beer, or the writing all the sweeter, and all the more accomplished.


So, a toast to our failures, our successes, and most of all our attempts to strive for greatness in whatever domain we choose. As Beckett said, "No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Without you, simple word, there would be no successes at all.

You are loved

Of all the people,
in all the world,
not a single one them
is more precious, loved and deserving,
than you.

Transformation - and shedding of the old

I'm reading a book that JS gave me for my birthday - "Healing and Transformation through Self-Guided Imagery" by Leslie Davenport. I have just started, but this image really spoke to me about MY situation.

"...Crossing over a threshold where things can no longer be the same calls forth the soul's invitation to cast off old patterns that no longer serve. Like a snake that literally outgrows its own skin, the call to shed old strategies and limiting viewpoints lets us expand into a new mode of being. We discover ways to stand in our life that bring even greater integrity to what we truly value. We can embrace the opportunity to come home to ourselves." Bold is MY emphasis

I have never really liked snakes, so my initial response was "oh, yuck!" However, once I started thinking about the image of shedding the old - like a cocoon does to become a butterfly - the image of the snake no longer "icked" me out. I really like the idea that I'm shedding all the crap that has "weighed" me down for the past 40+ years and as a result, I'll be lighter in frame, thought and emotion. And, the one thing that snakes have over the cocoons - they keep on shedding their skins their whole life. So, I can really embrace that image now.

Anyway, end of my lunchtime ponderings.

The difference between want and will...

They are both four letter words
They both start with W
They both can be a form of action

The definitions are:

Want:

• Desire something
• Wish something done
• To have a need for something
• To long for

Will:

• Part of the mind that makes decisions
• Power to decide
• Choice or Determination
• Motivation
• Resolve
• Self-control
• Persistence
  

I have been saying the following:

• I want to be healthy
• I want to be strong
• I want to make better food choices
• I don’t want to lust after food
• I want to see food as nourishment
• I want to be able to deal with my emotions as an adult
• I want to be more spiritually in-tune
• I want to work on my photography
• I want… blah, blah, blah _______fill in the blank

However, I’m not really DOING what needs to be done… I don’t know exactly why but one thing I do know is I think that I … WAIT… change that to I need to change how I state things:

• I will be healthy
• I will be strong
• I will be an emotional adult
• I will create a healthy relationship with food – using it as fuel – NOT as a substitute for love, a cure for sadness, anger or any other emotional need.
• I will make time for spiritual growth in my life
• I will make the time to make these things the priority that I say they have in my life.

I want to – really I do! Now the question is – WILL I?